My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
