I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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