He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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