It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
