You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
