i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
