she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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