i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
