the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize