I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
