I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
