He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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