the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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