I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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