well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
