I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
