but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
