your thong is hanging out like whoa
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
