We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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