Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
