Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
this just has baby written all over it
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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