oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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