He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
