Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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