I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
