Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
