If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
