I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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