I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so that wasnt chicken after all
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
