i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
