If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I could make wine with my vomit
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
