When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
