it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize