atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
