oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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