I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
