Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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