with your own penis?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize