He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
