Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
