Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
