I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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