Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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