thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
