Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
