You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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