threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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