I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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