im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
