He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
