Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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