I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
