Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
