are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
