and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
