Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
