put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
