He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
