I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I intend to get homeless drunk
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
