You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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