Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
