Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
