there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
